lampyrine

Ani, again

In Uncategorized on June 5, 2010 at 1:38 pm

She was cuffed to the truth
Like the truth was a chair
Bright interrogation light in her eyes
And her conscience lit a cigarette
And just stood there
Waiting for her to crack, waiting for her to cry

And his face scampered through her mind
Like a roach across a wall
It made her heart soar
It made her skin crawl
They said “We got this confession, we just need for you to sign.
Why don’t you just cooperate and make this easier on us all?
Yeah, make this easier on us all.”

‘Cause there was light and then there was darkness
But there was no line in between
And asking my heart for guidance was like pleading with a machine
Yeah, ’cause joy it has its own justice
And my dreams are languid and lawless
And everything bows to beauty when it is fierce, and when it is flawless

On the table were two ziplock baggies
Containing her eyes and her smile
They said, “We’re keeping these as evidence, ’til this thing goes to trial.”
Meanwhile anguish was fingering solace in another room down the hall
Both were love’s accomplices, but solace took the fall

Now look at her book of days, it’s the same on every page
And she’s got a little tin cup with her heart in it
To bang along the bars of her ribcage, bang along the bars of her ribcage

‘Cause there was light and then there was darkness
But there was no line in between
And asking my heart for guidance was like pleading with a machine
Yeah, ’cause joy it has its own justice
And my dreams are languid and lawless
And everything bows to beauty when it is fierce, and when it is flawless

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Conflagration

In Uncategorized on June 4, 2010 at 10:31 pm

Everything has changed, and nothing has changed.

I think it’s finally here

In Uncategorized on May 19, 2010 at 4:52 pm

I never really did think this time would arrive, although I talked about like it was inevitable.  Is that really the whole secret to life?  Fake it until you make it??  Are you training your neurons the entire time or something, until you really are doing what you wanted to do, or feeling like you wanted to feel?  IDK, that sounds like a slippery slope, or the rationalizations that began thousands of doomed marriages.

I never really thought that I’d be okay being just friends with you, although I talked about a time in the future when that would be possible, when we were both involved in serious relationships.  [I added that caveat because I knew that only loyalty to another person could keep us from leaping on each other. ]

Well, you are still with H.  You guys are starting to share important parts of your lives together — spending holidays with family (and you’re spending time with her daughter as a  fully-domesticated threesome).  Right now you two are off on an exotic vacation, and while I’m wistful about it, I’m not suicidal.  And just this morning I realized that I will have known J. eight months this coming weekend.  I don’t know how much longer we will last, so it’s not like the two relationships are at all similar.  Yet here we are, both in other relationships, and able to hang out as friends and have fun together without teeth-gnashing or banshee-wailing on my part: just like I predicted.

I’m surprised I didn’t write about this development earlier, but I guess it was still…developing.  I almost wrote something on May 2nd, but I ended up embroiled in pet drama, and then the usual weekly obligations kicked in.

Last Sunday we spent a great afternoon together.  Each time this year (twice in March, twice in May) has been just as much fun, but I think we’re easier together now.  We always talk up a storm, and laugh — we’re so compatible, and it makes me so happy to spend time with you.  This last time we talked about sex, as usual — but I finally told you about J., & I think it puts us on more equal footing.

Although it doesn’t make me want you less, I think it adds another thin safety barrier between us.  Now we both know that it goes both ways.  Maybe you aren’t tempted to fool around because you love H.  Maybe it’s only honor/honesty that would keep me from cheating on J., and I’m still a little afraid of what I might do under duress.  Of course I would tell J., and expect that we’d break up — I wouldn’t hide it.  But I don’t think the knowledge of how I might hurt him could keep me from fucking you if you really wanted me.  Only the knowledge of H. would stop me, and that’s really self-preservation, in a way.  She doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, but I don’t deserve to be a cheatee, either.  I deserve more.  If you ever broke up, though, all bets are off.

I hope you’re having a good time relaxing.  I wish it were us, a little, but not too much.  I’d rather have you on a day-to-day basis; an island vacation seems like too much of a one-off.  I want to trade ideas and make each other laugh every day.  I want to make dinner and make love and cuddle and run errands and plan a life together.

It looks like that isn’t going to happen, but it would still be a dream come true for me.  I do still love you, and I’m glad you’re a part of my life.  I’m also glad that reading your FB posts don’t make me physically ill anymore, and I’m glad all my hot tears and fierce longings have faded.  It’s no fun being in the hell of unrequited love.