lampyrine

Archive for September, 2009|Monthly archive page

I still love you

In Uncategorized on September 30, 2009 at 9:15 pm

I’ve wondered about my sudden equanimity (where you’re concerned; I certainly don’t have it in any other sphere) of late.  Were you really a crush that had finally run its course?  Did 15 weeks (tomorrow) of not seeing you actually do the trick?

Then today she made a public comment about “snuggling up for a nap” on what I know is your designated liaison day, and it made me sad.  It didn’t stun me with pain like it might have 5 months ago, but it made me wistful, and filled me with longing.

She’s so lucky, that she gets to spend time with you, and gets to brag about it to the whole world.  I hope she appreciates her good fortune.  And I hope you’re truly happy with her.

I wish I could’ve made you happy, the way just seeing you and hearing your voice made my heart thrill.  I loved to make you laugh, even more than I loved to make you moan!  But I didn’t have whatever she does.

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I was wrong

In Uncategorized on September 29, 2009 at 1:40 pm

That statement covers a lot of ground — but specifically, I was wrong about the guy in last week’s post.  He may very well have been a good guy, but it turns out that he didn’t like me (astonishing, I know!).  When I found out, though, it sent me into a tailspin for a few days; I was questioning all of my judging abilities.

Since then I’ve been out twice with yet another good guy, and this one really does like me.  He’s sweet, and a good kisser, too.  Not a soul-stealing, mind-searing, panties-disappearing kisser like you, but tender and solicitous.

What’s funny is how easily I can resist his attempts to steal a base, as it were.  When I was with you, I was completely bewitched.  You were in Grand Slam position *every* time you came up to bat.

Mmm, breakfast.

Mmm, breakfast.

I met someone tonight

In Uncategorized on September 23, 2009 at 1:52 am

Last week was horrific for me.  I was so slammed with work that I didn’t have an instant to spare.  It’s not that I didn’t think about you every day at least several times, but I had no free time to obsess.

Surprisingly, maybe that was what I needed to wrench my mind away from you.  Either that, or the 12-week mark really was the charm.

I know two days from now it will be 14 weeks since I last saw you.  I wonder how you’re doing.  Also, do you know what a popular model your goddamn truck is?!  Ten or twenty times a day (when I’m out driving) I spend more time than I should staring at similar trucks, hoping to see you.

I went on a date tonight with a good guy — I could tell right off the bat.  What’s more, he’s cute, and solvent.  And he seems to like me and we have a lot in common.  So why am I tearing up just writing those words??  I don’t want to sabotage myself.  You’re not available.  You chose someone else over me (or, to be fair, I wasn’t successful in winning you away from her; she did come first).  And I want to be happy.  I want someone to share my life with, and maybe start a family with.

I guess I’m crying because saying yes to the possibility of those things with someone else means really saying good bye to you, to the possibility that we ever might be together in the future.

Links I’m dying to share with you

In Uncategorized on September 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm

But in the immortal words of Janet Jackson’s If “…I can’t, then I won’t.”

A really beautiful sentiment; I think it would touch you.

Lots of fun.  I’m so looking forward to this movie!  Looks like others are, too.

12 weeks is 3 months, more or less

In Uncategorized on September 11, 2009 at 3:57 pm

Yesterday was the 12 week mark — 12 weeks since the last time I saw you.  It’s hard to believe.  I think about you so often, and you’re such a “presence” in my life, even though we aren’t in contact.  I wish I had some clue whether or not you ever think about me.  I suspect that you’re such a “live in the present” personality that you don’t think about me much at all.

So far the whole “distance myself from you and given enough time & space, I’ll fall out of love” hasn’t really worked out.  I mean, if it was just a mad crush, wouldn’t 3 months be long enough?

I’m also dating a crazy amount, and it’s no fun at all.  There is zero spark with all of these guys, even the ones I’ve agreed to see more than once.  I’m really just going through the motions.  They aren’t smart or sexy like you.  I’ve never even kissed one, and I feel faintly repulsed at the whole idea.  Maybe a sign of recovery will be meeting someone I can actually imagine kissing.

Instead, driving home from dates, I have to will myself not to take the exit to your house.  I want to drive into your garage and come up your steps and fuck you for hours without even saying “Hello” or “How have you been?”  I know how I’ve been, and it’s deprived!!

I’m trying not to freak out

In Uncategorized on September 8, 2009 at 1:50 pm

Okay, when I logged into gchat this morning and updated my status, you (formerly orange) turned green for a second and then went offline.  It feels like you’re avoiding me.  I know that probably makes me  a neurotic maniac, but there you go.  It’s just a little hurtful; I haven’t even started a conversation with you in months!  It’s not as if I’m a continual pest.  But maybe, in the best possible world, you just went to lunch?!

It’s undoubtedly unhealthy for me to “keep track” of you like this.  But (besides Facebook, where you are annoyingly sporadic), it’s the last little link I’m allowing myself to you.  It’s hard enough for me to have stopped all other forms of communication.  These are my final, faint gossamer tethers.

Okay, enough with the maudlin.  The funniest thing I’m not sending you today (which I think you’d really appreciate) is a tweet archived on Twaxed.com:

“Programming is a lot like sex. One mistake and you could have to support it the rest of your life.” — digitaldean8

That was so strange

In Uncategorized on September 1, 2009 at 10:45 pm

Does this happen to bloggers all the time?  When you’re blogging about something, and then something happens in real life so that your blog changes tone mid-stream?

I was working up an angsty head of steam, and then, while writing, I received your Lost fish biscuit (or whatever those damn things Sawyer kept getting were).  And I’m so loony-tunes-over-the-moon for you that THAT will make me sleep more soundly tonight than I have in weeks.  You tossed a single flake of fish food upon my vast sea and still I find it nourishing.

Alright, this is veering into psilocybin territory, so I should look into said sound sleep.  What up with the fish imagery?!  Maybe it was the word “stream.”  I am salmon, hear me roar.

Hello WordPress My Old Friend

In Uncategorized on September 1, 2009 at 10:32 pm

I’ve come to talk to you again.

Well, today I broke.  I initiated communication, after 22 long days.  The kicker is: Gmail was down, so I sent it via FB.  And you don’t log in that often, so you probably won’t see it for a while.  So after falling off the wagon, I don’t even get the sweet, sick rush of a response from you.

Let’s see, to satisfy my archivist OCD, some documentation.

  • Last time I saw you in person: 10 weeks, 5 days ago.
  • Last time we IMd: 6 weeks, 6 days ago.
  • Last time we spoke on the phone:  6 weeks, 2 days ago.
  • Last time we texted: 4 weeks, 4 days ago.
  • Last time we communicated via e-mail: 3 weeks, 2 days ago. About 5 minutes ago.
  • Last time we were both active on gchat at the same time: about 5 minutes ago.

Interesting that you chose to e-mail me.  Not feeling very chatty, I guess.  But wow, a real response, several sentences long!  I was expecting “Thnx.”