lampyrine

Archive for October, 2009|Monthly archive page

It’s insanity that I’m here!

In Uncategorized on October 28, 2009 at 5:12 pm

I have an assignment due in 23 hours, plus I haven’t finished researching it, plus I need to read, comment, and post on a discussion board.  And perhaps go to Pilates and sleep a few hours somewhere in there.

But my traitorous mind has fixated on you yet again, probably because we’ve been in e-mail contact 5 days out of the past 7.  Each time initiated by you!  — I haven’t cheated since the red wine night of October 8th.

Oh, how you mess with my head.  You’ve never once lied to me, or let me think I mean more to you than I do.  But I think she met your family last weekend, and that makes me so sad.  I’m glad we’ve reconnected a bit, but I always crave more where you’re concerned.

I completely ignored your offer to take me out to the movies.  You say movies, I hear “mad sex.”  So yeah, I think I’m still not ready for contact.  Have you changed, though?  Have I changed?  Tomorrow it will be 19 weeks since we’ve seen each other; 4+ months with no face-to-face contact.

Also, you’re the ONLY person I’ve told about what I’m doing next week.  I’m scared, a little.  That’s messing with my head, too.  Where am I going to find the focus I need to write the paper I have due on Monday?  Jesus Christ in a sidecar, I sometimes don’t know how I get myself where I am.  I only know that it felt 100% right whenever I was with you.

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Long time, no post

In Uncategorized on October 12, 2009 at 10:27 pm

So, I’ve reached a dating equilibrium where it’s not hellish any more.  I’m seeing a few interesting, fun guys, and they are digging my chili — which makes all the difference, it turns out.

And yet.  Last week, fresh off a slow dance with several glasses of red wine, I IMd you, and you responded immediately.  We wrote back and forth for over an hour.  Down and dirty, super flirty — it was fucking awesome.  It was so great to connect with you, to talk about the stupendous sex we had in the past, and to hint around about the sex we might have in the future.

I’m sure it set me back quite a ways in my “getting over Lee” program; I spent the next day stumbling around in a haze of lust.

I’m not entirely blinded by my body’s urges.  I know you don’t appreciate me like you should.  You’ve never been smitten with me, or upset by me, or missed me, the way you have with her.  I don’t know why I can’t spark those emotions in you.

That’s why I’m forcing myself to date.  There are men out there who will become emotionally engaged with me.  That’s my logic speaking.  I just hope it can convince my heart and my loins to get on board.