Archive for November, 2009|Monthly archive page

Have I mentioned lately…?

In Uncategorized on November 25, 2009 at 12:52 am

That I’m crazy in love with you??

I feel bad, sometimes, for the guys I’m dating.  We have fun, yes, and it’s still early days.  No one is getting used or hurt.  But when I’m driving home, I’m always thinking of you.

And the sex question is looming, a little.  If I weren’t such a fiend, I guess it wouldn’t be a big deal at all.  But I am, so the fact that I’m holding back is conspicuous — to me and to him.  I just…I don’t want to take it to that level.

I’m not sure what I’m doing.  I can’t “wait” for you.  I don’t know what’s happening with your relationship.  I’m trying my best to move forward.  But you are always in my thoughts, my fantasies, my dreams.


If wishes were fishes, we’d all cast nets

In Uncategorized on November 18, 2009 at 8:00 pm

(That saying is courtesy of last week’s Dune re-reading.  Well, skimming, really — it’s like a comfort book for me.)

At any rate, I do wish, on this sixth and last awful Wednesday night, that this wasn’t your night to see her.  Somehow that knowledge has made these evenings even harder for me.

I don’t know where this blog is headed.  Although I was so happy to see you last week, it hadn’t been the best of days.  Plus, I detected no hint of desire (for me) in you.  That was a blow.  You seemed to still find me fuckable about a month ago!

But that was before your birthday celebration and Halloween, and they both involved her meeting your family and friends.  I know that was significant for you.  You’ve reached a milestone in your relationship.  Has the quintessential horndog been tamed?  Or was I just emitting waves of desperation & despair that overpowered my physical charms?!

Who knows?  Sigh.  I feel so ignorant about everything these days.  For a while there, it seemed like I was at least gaining wisdom.  Now I feel like I’ve lost something, some understanding or some spark.  Or maybe I’m just tired out from a difficult semester.

What I wouldn’t give to lie next to you again, though.

Thank you

In Uncategorized on November 17, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Thank you for being there for me with only a few hours of notice (even though it was 21 weeks to the day since we’d last seen each other).

Thank you for understanding that I didn’t want to be alone that particular evening.

Thank you for allowing me to spend my birthday with someone I love.

He tasks me

In Uncategorized on November 2, 2009 at 2:15 pm

I swear, Lee,  it’s going to be all your fault if I do poorly in school.  I’m working against another deadline here and I made the mistake of checking FB (you’d just uploaded your Halloween pics).

I immediately experienced that sinking stomach feeling — it’s difficult to describe, but it makes me feels instantly ill.  It’s like I’ve been injected with a poisonous compound of some sort.

And now I can’t focus on the paper I need to be writing.  I’m just reeling over the serious turn your relationship has taken.  You’re taking her to parties now!  Soon you’ll be changing your FB status to ‘in a relationship.’

Why is this throwing me so much??  Between this and my appt. on Wednesday (that only you know about, btw), my thoughts are like dandelion fluff.  Where am I going to find the will to buckle down and do a good job?  I know this topic, but am I going to sabotage myself by not leaving enough time to write about it well?

I am dating!  I’m having a fairly good time doing it, too.  So why can’t I shake you?  Why can’t I let you go?  YOU PICKED HER.  Why can’t my treacherous heart remember that?