lampyrine

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Ani, again

In Uncategorized on June 5, 2010 at 1:38 pm

She was cuffed to the truth
Like the truth was a chair
Bright interrogation light in her eyes
And her conscience lit a cigarette
And just stood there
Waiting for her to crack, waiting for her to cry

And his face scampered through her mind
Like a roach across a wall
It made her heart soar
It made her skin crawl
They said “We got this confession, we just need for you to sign.
Why don’t you just cooperate and make this easier on us all?
Yeah, make this easier on us all.”

‘Cause there was light and then there was darkness
But there was no line in between
And asking my heart for guidance was like pleading with a machine
Yeah, ’cause joy it has its own justice
And my dreams are languid and lawless
And everything bows to beauty when it is fierce, and when it is flawless

On the table were two ziplock baggies
Containing her eyes and her smile
They said, “We’re keeping these as evidence, ’til this thing goes to trial.”
Meanwhile anguish was fingering solace in another room down the hall
Both were love’s accomplices, but solace took the fall

Now look at her book of days, it’s the same on every page
And she’s got a little tin cup with her heart in it
To bang along the bars of her ribcage, bang along the bars of her ribcage

‘Cause there was light and then there was darkness
But there was no line in between
And asking my heart for guidance was like pleading with a machine
Yeah, ’cause joy it has its own justice
And my dreams are languid and lawless
And everything bows to beauty when it is fierce, and when it is flawless

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Conflagration

In Uncategorized on June 4, 2010 at 10:31 pm

Everything has changed, and nothing has changed.

I think it’s finally here

In Uncategorized on May 19, 2010 at 4:52 pm

I never really did think this time would arrive, although I talked about like it was inevitable.  Is that really the whole secret to life?  Fake it until you make it??  Are you training your neurons the entire time or something, until you really are doing what you wanted to do, or feeling like you wanted to feel?  IDK, that sounds like a slippery slope, or the rationalizations that began thousands of doomed marriages.

I never really thought that I’d be okay being just friends with you, although I talked about a time in the future when that would be possible, when we were both involved in serious relationships.  [I added that caveat because I knew that only loyalty to another person could keep us from leaping on each other. ]

Well, you are still with H.  You guys are starting to share important parts of your lives together — spending holidays with family (and you’re spending time with her daughter as a  fully-domesticated threesome).  Right now you two are off on an exotic vacation, and while I’m wistful about it, I’m not suicidal.  And just this morning I realized that I will have known J. eight months this coming weekend.  I don’t know how much longer we will last, so it’s not like the two relationships are at all similar.  Yet here we are, both in other relationships, and able to hang out as friends and have fun together without teeth-gnashing or banshee-wailing on my part: just like I predicted.

I’m surprised I didn’t write about this development earlier, but I guess it was still…developing.  I almost wrote something on May 2nd, but I ended up embroiled in pet drama, and then the usual weekly obligations kicked in.

Last Sunday we spent a great afternoon together.  Each time this year (twice in March, twice in May) has been just as much fun, but I think we’re easier together now.  We always talk up a storm, and laugh — we’re so compatible, and it makes me so happy to spend time with you.  This last time we talked about sex, as usual — but I finally told you about J., & I think it puts us on more equal footing.

Although it doesn’t make me want you less, I think it adds another thin safety barrier between us.  Now we both know that it goes both ways.  Maybe you aren’t tempted to fool around because you love H.  Maybe it’s only honor/honesty that would keep me from cheating on J., and I’m still a little afraid of what I might do under duress.  Of course I would tell J., and expect that we’d break up — I wouldn’t hide it.  But I don’t think the knowledge of how I might hurt him could keep me from fucking you if you really wanted me.  Only the knowledge of H. would stop me, and that’s really self-preservation, in a way.  She doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, but I don’t deserve to be a cheatee, either.  I deserve more.  If you ever broke up, though, all bets are off.

I hope you’re having a good time relaxing.  I wish it were us, a little, but not too much.  I’d rather have you on a day-to-day basis; an island vacation seems like too much of a one-off.  I want to trade ideas and make each other laugh every day.  I want to make dinner and make love and cuddle and run errands and plan a life together.

It looks like that isn’t going to happen, but it would still be a dream come true for me.  I do still love you, and I’m glad you’re a part of my life.  I’m also glad that reading your FB posts don’t make me physically ill anymore, and I’m glad all my hot tears and fierce longings have faded.  It’s no fun being in the hell of unrequited love.

The smell of your place is the best smell in the world!

In Uncategorized on March 10, 2010 at 11:36 am

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating.  But damn, it does smell so good!!

It’s not air freshener or anything else, either.  I think it’s just the scent of you, absorbed into every molecule of that place.  Or maybe since I experienced so much pleasure there, my brain just makes a Pavlovian association?  All I know is that whenever I walk inside, I never want to leave.  It smells like home.

I was nervous about spending time there; I haven’t been in your house for more than a few minutes since last June.  I was afraid of how I might react if you made a move on me.  I also sort of wanted you to make a move on me, because I want to know that you still find me sexy.

What you did ended up being perfect (sitting on top of my ass for a  few seconds while I laid on my stomach, fiddling with my laptop).  It was like you couldn’t resist me in that enticing position.  And I didn’t move or say anything at first, so you knew I wanted it, too.  But then I said “Get off me!” in mock irritation and we were able to laugh and move on.  Laying your head on my shoulder was sweet.  Your pulling the blanket on made all sorts of alarms go off in my head, but you didn’t put your hands down your pants or anything, so I was relieved.

I honestly don’t know what I’d do if you tried to kiss me or made some other aggressive move.  I want us both to be faithful to J and H.  But it’s been so long since I’ve felt your touch.  Would I go up in flames, like I did before?  Would I be shameless?  All I can think of is the Ani D. song “O.K.”:

If you ask me
I’ll say
Yes please
To you today
So don’t ask me
‘Cuz I’m weak that way
Just don’t ask me
O.K.?

I’m so glad we got that
Straightened away

If you see me
Walk by
You better just let me
Walk by
You better not
Bat your pretty eyes
You better not
Stop me to say Hi

‘Cuz I got a
Sweet tooth today
So you better not
Cut that pie

If you ask me
I’ll say yes please to you today
So don’t ask me
Cuz I’m weak that way
Just don’t ask me O.K.

I’m so glad we got that straightened away

If you see me walk by
You better just let me walk by
You better not bat your pretty eyes
You better not stop me to say Hi

I got a sweet tooth today
So you better not cut that pie

It’s been a year, more or less

In Uncategorized on March 2, 2010 at 11:41 am

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the first time we met in person.  I considered sending you a short note commemorating the occasion, but didn’t.

Right now you’re on Gchat for the first time in days, but I’m invisible.  A metaphor for real life, maybe??  I’m sure you rarely think of me; I might as well be invisible in your life.

You have handled my feelings for you gracefully.  I did my best to make it easy, certainly — but still, when some guys feel trapped, acting like a dick is their fallback defense.  I wish, I wish…

I wish I meant something to you.  I wish you didn’t love H.  I wish I was in your bed, with you in me.

Ah, this is quite familiar

In Uncategorized on February 27, 2010 at 2:17 pm

Exorbitant amount of writing due?  Check.

Looming deadline(s)?  Check.

Standard lack of motivation, and concomitant obsession with thinking about you?  Check.

You’re in Vegas for another wedding (I wonder if H is with you this time?).  Do weddings make you think about your own romantic goals, your dreams for a future and a family?  Or is all that still in the nebulous “think about it later” category for you?

I’m sitting here on my couch, endeavoring to engage in hard focus and failing, as usual.  I’m very emotional today, due to the stresses of these school deadlines and more drama with my sick pet.  I don’t know, maybe I won’t be the stellar parent I think I will.  I can get so frustrated by my pet’s behavior that I get physically ill.  Why do I let it affect me so much?  It’s like her failures are somehow a reflection of something I’ve failed to do, some need that I haven’t met.  I’m pretty sure that’s wrong — not to mention dangerous when it comes to thinking that way about human beings.  I’d hope I wouldn’t make that mistake.  But is just identifying a thinking error enough to correct the behavior?

I miss you.  We haven’t communicated in over 3 weeks.  I guess the best I can hope for at this point is that you miss me sometimes, too.

The New Phase

In Uncategorized on February 5, 2010 at 4:25 pm

So twice now we’ve gone out to eat in “friends-only” mode.  I guess it’s actually been 3 times, if you count my birthday.  We went out to lunch on January 16th, and out to dinner last night (February 4th).

I’m not really sure what I think about this development. It is always good to see you.  We always have a great time; we talk non-stop on a wide variety of topics.  I was bummed that you didn’t seem to find me attractive anymore in November, but then you grabbed my ass in a Border’s book aisle last month and I knew your natural horndoggedness had reasserted itself — it felt like all was right in heaven and on earth.

Actually, just spending time with you *is* like heaven to me.  The difference between you and J is so painfully obvious.  I am thrilled just to see you!  You make my world brighter, you make my heart sing.  Apparently, you also make me as trite as a Hallmark card, but what can I do?  I probably look like a dreamy cartoon character whenever we are together, with stars in place of my eyes.

P.S.

In Uncategorized on January 13, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Your FB status update “to the left” was hilarious at the time — so witty.  I wish I felt far enough removed to compliment you in person, but you know how it goes.  H is your girl, that privilege belongs to her.

Wow, it’s been almost 5 weeks since my last post

In Uncategorized on January 13, 2010 at 2:47 pm

And, what do you know, I have another paper deadline looming.  Of course I’ve had all week to work on this paper and of course I’ve left it to the last minute. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me!!

Why do I often post mid-week, especially on what used to be “your” night seeing her?  Is it because my deadlines are often on Fridays and it isn’t until mid-week that I start to get my shit together?  Who knows, you might be seeing her a lot more often now.  You certainly spent all the major holidays together recently.  Huh, I wonder what you have planned for Valentine’s Day.  That’s certainly something productive for me to wonder about (not).

So, since my last post I’ve started sleeping w/J.  It’s only been okay, which probably bodes ill for any kind of long-term relationship.  I do feel sorry for him that he had to follow you — the most creative, generous, insanely sexy lover I’ve ever had.  It would be daunting for anyone to try to live up to that.

My “last-ditch” effort with you was fairly well-received.  I think you understood my intent, and I’m grateful for that.  I just wish we’d had a chance.  I wish you weren’t committed to her.  Where can your relationship with her go?  I thought you wanted a family.  Maybe you think you can still spend a few years with her and then find some young hottie to procreate with.

Okay, I guess that’s enough bitching and moaning for now.  Here’s hoping this allows me to have a super productive afternoon of writing!

I’ll try anything

In Uncategorized on December 10, 2009 at 11:22 am

Trying desperately to kick start my writing flow, I decided to compose a blog post to you.  I’ve been trying to start writing the first of two term papers (both due in 38 hours) for the past day, I’m not kidding.  I slept in restless chunks, an hour here and an hour there.  I’m by turns headache-y, fatigued, and loose-boweled.  How’s that for TMI?!

I know I was distracted when I was actually seeing you during the spring and I had papers to write, but it feels so much worse now.  I’m so starved for contact that I check my e-mail and Facebook obsessively.  I seem to have zero ability to focus.

Maybe it’s a blessing that we’re back to almost zero contact (it’s already been a month since we saw each other in the flesh, can you believe it?).  I wouldn’t want you to see me going through these torturous contortions of mind and body.  But would you surprise me, and offer me the support I’m missing from the guy I’m currently seeing?  I’m unhappy that I keep calling my ex-boyfriend for a shoulder to cry on, but he seems to be the only one who can talk me off the ledge.