lampyrine

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Have I mentioned lately…?

In Uncategorized on November 25, 2009 at 12:52 am

That I’m crazy in love with you??

I feel bad, sometimes, for the guys I’m dating.  We have fun, yes, and it’s still early days.  No one is getting used or hurt.  But when I’m driving home, I’m always thinking of you.

And the sex question is looming, a little.  If I weren’t such a fiend, I guess it wouldn’t be a big deal at all.  But I am, so the fact that I’m holding back is conspicuous — to me and to him.  I just…I don’t want to take it to that level.

I’m not sure what I’m doing.  I can’t “wait” for you.  I don’t know what’s happening with your relationship.  I’m trying my best to move forward.  But you are always in my thoughts, my fantasies, my dreams.

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If wishes were fishes, we’d all cast nets

In Uncategorized on November 18, 2009 at 8:00 pm

(That saying is courtesy of last week’s Dune re-reading.  Well, skimming, really — it’s like a comfort book for me.)

At any rate, I do wish, on this sixth and last awful Wednesday night, that this wasn’t your night to see her.  Somehow that knowledge has made these evenings even harder for me.

I don’t know where this blog is headed.  Although I was so happy to see you last week, it hadn’t been the best of days.  Plus, I detected no hint of desire (for me) in you.  That was a blow.  You seemed to still find me fuckable about a month ago!

But that was before your birthday celebration and Halloween, and they both involved her meeting your family and friends.  I know that was significant for you.  You’ve reached a milestone in your relationship.  Has the quintessential horndog been tamed?  Or was I just emitting waves of desperation & despair that overpowered my physical charms?!

Who knows?  Sigh.  I feel so ignorant about everything these days.  For a while there, it seemed like I was at least gaining wisdom.  Now I feel like I’ve lost something, some understanding or some spark.  Or maybe I’m just tired out from a difficult semester.

What I wouldn’t give to lie next to you again, though.

Thank you

In Uncategorized on November 17, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Thank you for being there for me with only a few hours of notice (even though it was 21 weeks to the day since we’d last seen each other).

Thank you for understanding that I didn’t want to be alone that particular evening.

Thank you for allowing me to spend my birthday with someone I love.

He tasks me

In Uncategorized on November 2, 2009 at 2:15 pm

I swear, Lee,  it’s going to be all your fault if I do poorly in school.  I’m working against another deadline here and I made the mistake of checking FB (you’d just uploaded your Halloween pics).

I immediately experienced that sinking stomach feeling — it’s difficult to describe, but it makes me feels instantly ill.  It’s like I’ve been injected with a poisonous compound of some sort.

And now I can’t focus on the paper I need to be writing.  I’m just reeling over the serious turn your relationship has taken.  You’re taking her to parties now!  Soon you’ll be changing your FB status to ‘in a relationship.’

Why is this throwing me so much??  Between this and my appt. on Wednesday (that only you know about, btw), my thoughts are like dandelion fluff.  Where am I going to find the will to buckle down and do a good job?  I know this topic, but am I going to sabotage myself by not leaving enough time to write about it well?

I am dating!  I’m having a fairly good time doing it, too.  So why can’t I shake you?  Why can’t I let you go?  YOU PICKED HER.  Why can’t my treacherous heart remember that?

It’s insanity that I’m here!

In Uncategorized on October 28, 2009 at 5:12 pm

I have an assignment due in 23 hours, plus I haven’t finished researching it, plus I need to read, comment, and post on a discussion board.  And perhaps go to Pilates and sleep a few hours somewhere in there.

But my traitorous mind has fixated on you yet again, probably because we’ve been in e-mail contact 5 days out of the past 7.  Each time initiated by you!  — I haven’t cheated since the red wine night of October 8th.

Oh, how you mess with my head.  You’ve never once lied to me, or let me think I mean more to you than I do.  But I think she met your family last weekend, and that makes me so sad.  I’m glad we’ve reconnected a bit, but I always crave more where you’re concerned.

I completely ignored your offer to take me out to the movies.  You say movies, I hear “mad sex.”  So yeah, I think I’m still not ready for contact.  Have you changed, though?  Have I changed?  Tomorrow it will be 19 weeks since we’ve seen each other; 4+ months with no face-to-face contact.

Also, you’re the ONLY person I’ve told about what I’m doing next week.  I’m scared, a little.  That’s messing with my head, too.  Where am I going to find the focus I need to write the paper I have due on Monday?  Jesus Christ in a sidecar, I sometimes don’t know how I get myself where I am.  I only know that it felt 100% right whenever I was with you.

Long time, no post

In Uncategorized on October 12, 2009 at 10:27 pm

So, I’ve reached a dating equilibrium where it’s not hellish any more.  I’m seeing a few interesting, fun guys, and they are digging my chili — which makes all the difference, it turns out.

And yet.  Last week, fresh off a slow dance with several glasses of red wine, I IMd you, and you responded immediately.  We wrote back and forth for over an hour.  Down and dirty, super flirty — it was fucking awesome.  It was so great to connect with you, to talk about the stupendous sex we had in the past, and to hint around about the sex we might have in the future.

I’m sure it set me back quite a ways in my “getting over Lee” program; I spent the next day stumbling around in a haze of lust.

I’m not entirely blinded by my body’s urges.  I know you don’t appreciate me like you should.  You’ve never been smitten with me, or upset by me, or missed me, the way you have with her.  I don’t know why I can’t spark those emotions in you.

That’s why I’m forcing myself to date.  There are men out there who will become emotionally engaged with me.  That’s my logic speaking.  I just hope it can convince my heart and my loins to get on board.

I still love you

In Uncategorized on September 30, 2009 at 9:15 pm

I’ve wondered about my sudden equanimity (where you’re concerned; I certainly don’t have it in any other sphere) of late.  Were you really a crush that had finally run its course?  Did 15 weeks (tomorrow) of not seeing you actually do the trick?

Then today she made a public comment about “snuggling up for a nap” on what I know is your designated liaison day, and it made me sad.  It didn’t stun me with pain like it might have 5 months ago, but it made me wistful, and filled me with longing.

She’s so lucky, that she gets to spend time with you, and gets to brag about it to the whole world.  I hope she appreciates her good fortune.  And I hope you’re truly happy with her.

I wish I could’ve made you happy, the way just seeing you and hearing your voice made my heart thrill.  I loved to make you laugh, even more than I loved to make you moan!  But I didn’t have whatever she does.

I was wrong

In Uncategorized on September 29, 2009 at 1:40 pm

That statement covers a lot of ground — but specifically, I was wrong about the guy in last week’s post.  He may very well have been a good guy, but it turns out that he didn’t like me (astonishing, I know!).  When I found out, though, it sent me into a tailspin for a few days; I was questioning all of my judging abilities.

Since then I’ve been out twice with yet another good guy, and this one really does like me.  He’s sweet, and a good kisser, too.  Not a soul-stealing, mind-searing, panties-disappearing kisser like you, but tender and solicitous.

What’s funny is how easily I can resist his attempts to steal a base, as it were.  When I was with you, I was completely bewitched.  You were in Grand Slam position *every* time you came up to bat.

Mmm, breakfast.

Mmm, breakfast.

I met someone tonight

In Uncategorized on September 23, 2009 at 1:52 am

Last week was horrific for me.  I was so slammed with work that I didn’t have an instant to spare.  It’s not that I didn’t think about you every day at least several times, but I had no free time to obsess.

Surprisingly, maybe that was what I needed to wrench my mind away from you.  Either that, or the 12-week mark really was the charm.

I know two days from now it will be 14 weeks since I last saw you.  I wonder how you’re doing.  Also, do you know what a popular model your goddamn truck is?!  Ten or twenty times a day (when I’m out driving) I spend more time than I should staring at similar trucks, hoping to see you.

I went on a date tonight with a good guy — I could tell right off the bat.  What’s more, he’s cute, and solvent.  And he seems to like me and we have a lot in common.  So why am I tearing up just writing those words??  I don’t want to sabotage myself.  You’re not available.  You chose someone else over me (or, to be fair, I wasn’t successful in winning you away from her; she did come first).  And I want to be happy.  I want someone to share my life with, and maybe start a family with.

I guess I’m crying because saying yes to the possibility of those things with someone else means really saying good bye to you, to the possibility that we ever might be together in the future.

Links I’m dying to share with you

In Uncategorized on September 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm

But in the immortal words of Janet Jackson’s If “…I can’t, then I won’t.”

A really beautiful sentiment; I think it would touch you.

Lots of fun.  I’m so looking forward to this movie!  Looks like others are, too.